It’s just bloody brilliant isn’t it? Now you have to shop for handcuffs, shackles and whips, pray that no one calls the police and you do not get humiliated living up to the Christian Grey hype.
Fifty Shades of Grey is the fastest selling paperback of all time. It even sold faster than Harry Potter. Although it is called an erotic novel, I’m wary of its erotic nature. It is not that imaginative and therefore a sex novel with a touch of BDSM. So what is it about?
It is about a young college graduate named Anastasia who dates a young, wealthy businessman named Christian Grey who has sadistic and dark sexual fantasies. As you already imagined, it is all about spanking, whipping and fetishism.
Now I’ll tell you why it is bad news for men. Almost every woman has read this book. The trilogy has raised the bar for you. Women now not only fantasize being showered with expensive gifts, whisked into exquisite dinning, flirted efficaciously and being swept off their feet by the fulfilling of numerous other complicated tasks only Greek gods know how, but also for you to step up to the S&M challenge without being legally charged.
I didn’t find Fifty Shades erotic. But I realised the reason most women have read it is because every other woman has. All aboard the bandwagon eh? The other reason I found it to be so popular is because of it’s effect on our own imagination. It simply opens up and unleashes fantasies, which are better and more creative by miles.
If any man is hoping to imitate Christian Grey thinking his ways are exactly what women want, please don’t. I don’t know what women you are eager to please want, but if you are looking to not come across as a creep what I’m about to say will help.
Spontaneous doesn’t mean shocking!
Women like spontaneous men. Sometimes spur of the moment ideas work. Here’s one of those things not to try. On Ana’s first date with Christian she finds herself in a compromising scenario. “Turning to face him, I am shocked to find he has his erection firmly in his grasp.” Never do this! It’s not going to have the same effect as in the book. Also don’t say things like: “We’re going to Paris, right now!” Such plans will only go horribly wrong.
Some things are just not funny
Christian Grey delivers some of the worst pun at the most inappropriate times. Women find funny men sexy but trying to be funny during sex is a bad idea. The kind of stuff that he says will only put-off women rather than encourage them. Christian comments on Ana’s foreplay skills: “Well done, Miss Steele. You get an A in oral skills.” Bad idea!
Some baths just ruin it
Christian owns some rather luxurious and expensive things. It’s all fine, after-all E.L. James got her idea of Christian from Twilight’s Edward. Yeah, all the more reason to avoid his personality. But the egg-shaped designer bathtub he owns is a curious item that questions a side of him we don’t want to go into. Also the jasmine scented bath oils Christian keeps about the place is not very heterosexual. If you don’t want the lady to get the wrong impression about you, keep your bathroom free of expensive jasmine oils and egg-shaped designer bathtubs. If you think the idea of running a flower-fragrant bath especially for her right after sex is a caring thought, then prepare yourself to be suspected as a serial killer.
Keep your good taste less descriptive
There are times Christian Gray comes across as an obnoxious dweep. Like the time he says “Bollinger Grande Année Rosé 1999, an excellent vintage” while pouring Ana a glass of pink champagne. It is annoying that he compliments his own choices and gives voluntary information that no one asked for. Who needs to know the full name of a champagne. Boisterous much? He doesn’t stop there. This is how he orders a cocktail: “I’ll have a gin and tonic. Hendrick’s if you have it, or Bombay Sapphire. Cucumber with the Hendrick’s, lime with the Bombay.” Nobody’s going to be impressed. It is a NO NO.
Some words should not be spoken in that order
Another dreadful moment in the book is when Christian says to Ana: “I’d really like to claim your ass, Anastasia.” Do not ever say this even by mistake.
When domination goes wrong
Sometimes women like to feel dominated. Being possessive is sometimes romantic, but when you decide to fall asleep on the girl pinning her dear life down, it becomes another thing. “He’s fast asleep with his head on my chest, his arm over me, holding me close, one of his legs thrown over and hooked around both of mine.” The idea is horrifying and in real life can lead to eventual suffocation. Please let her sleep in peace.
Don’t forget to exhale
Inhaling the scent of a woman is OK. After-all women spend a lot on designer perfumes to be appreciated of the smell. But don’t sniff like a hungry dog. Christian sounds like a psycho when Ana says: “He runs his nose down my exposed neck, inhaling all the way, then back up to my ear.” There’s a difference between being sexy and being a sex pest.
Predator eyes may not be the best choice of expression construction
If your “eyes blaze with anger, need and pure unadulterated lust” how do you think you will look? It’s not pleasant. Try not to scare the woman away. Christian Gray has issues so does Anastasia.
Don’t sound phony on the phone
I did laugh when Ana overhears Christian on the phone. “Unless that company’s P&L improves, I’m not interested, Ros. We’re not carrying dead-weight I don’t need any more lame excuses. Have Marco call me, it’s s*** or bust time. And tell Barney the prototype looks good, but I’m not sure about the interface.” Even if you really are a major international entrepreneur, this talk just sounds like pretend alpha business talk. Women don’t find this sexy, so keep it low-profile.
A sweet smelling you is nice
The only thing I liked in the book was Christian Gray’s “sexy Christian smell.” I cant tell you exactly what that is, but I presume what Ana is trying to say is that he smells nice. This is actually not a bad idea as long as you keep away from overpriced jasmine scented bath products.