“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colours. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”
It’s been a while, its been a long while since I wrote anything in here. I was always meaning to, but life had other plans for me. I have been trying to find my way through twists and turns of life and time. Sometimes I took the wrong turn, got lost and spent a good long while trying to get back on to the path. I have been trying to make sense of it all, and been looking for the light and finding it, losing it and finding it again. I’m older, a little bit wiser and a little bit sillier. But, for the most part, the mists have faded. I still lose my way but I know when I do, and recognise the path I should be on. This blog was always about finding my way, figuring things out, starting afresh and seeing things in the cold light of day.
However, this isn’t a final redemption story. This is no “here I am, I see the truth and now I’m saved”, because truth isn’t a place you come to and stay forever; truth is a place you keep coming back to. Because no matter how lucid the view, how much wiser you get, how much older you become, how perceptive you are of the world, we will make mistakes, we will take wrong turns and the mists will appear. We will wander off from truth. But, what we learned on the way will help us find the way.
It is strange writing on this blog after four years. It feels like I’m looking at souvenirs left behind for me by my younger self, as if she intended me to come back and look at them in time – to understand better. She would be glad to know that I do. I have written a lot about pain, coming to terms with it and dealing with it. In fact, I aced my relationship with pain, I embraced it to unhealthy levels. I became so comfortable with pain I settled down with it. I was almost proud of my endured silent suffering. I became hard-wired to accept it and do nothing about it. It became so normal, I was afraid to be any different. But, like everything in this universe, it also needed to change. I started to see how the palace of pain I built for myself was slowly engulfing me into darkness and oblivion. I no longer wanted to be comfortable with it or commit to it. So, I decided to come outside and hope a little and want a little. I was crippled from staying too long in my pain palace it took a lot of getting used to. And, I did. I started to relearn happiness, love and freedom. I learnt to build meaningful relationships, look out for myself and see things for what they are. I embarked on a path of self growth and change.
So, is that it? Am I OK now? Is the past forgotten? It’s not that straightforward, it never will be. I’m more capable than before, to identify, understand, learn and navigate. I will try to be OK in better ways, in fact, I’m more OK now than at any other time in my life. And the past…. it shows up every now and again but I see it differently, even the pain, and instead of reliving it, I see that the past is over for good. Like time, truth changes everything, and truth is often revealed in time.
“Nothing’s ever the same. Be it a second later or a hundred years. It’s always churning and roiling. And people change as much as oceans.” ―